What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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