totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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