Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
