mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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