Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
