he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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