at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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