I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
