We're like a lot better than the average bears
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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