fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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