they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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