Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
