He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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