Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
