the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
