Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
