Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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