If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
