Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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