Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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