As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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