The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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