Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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