I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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