tonight lets celebrate not being married
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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