3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
True college students do jello shots in the library
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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