i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
