The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
