I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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