my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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