you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
