You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
