A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
