I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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