what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
