You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
