Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
