I met the friendliest cop last night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
