She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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