so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
