Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
