I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
