i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
