I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
