I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
