brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
