I just cut my nipple shaving
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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