my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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