Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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