whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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