A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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