Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize