Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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