when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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