Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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