Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
